I have children of my own but cause of my lifestyle I can't see or interact with my children since the mothers have put restraining orders on me cause of my sexuality. I have thought alot about adopting and the such cause I really hate being a father and not having a child there to take care of. I mean Jade Phownix has a little girl from him and his wife and believe me I love her to death but there is still that wall there that I know that Jade (Jade Phoenix's daughter) is his daughter and I am not her parent for the most part. I wish I could at least see my kids then I would be fine but unfortuneately I cant. But that is neither here nor there. I just wish that I could pull enough money to adopt LIL Jade that way she would be my daughter as well. Jade Phoenix and his wife said that I could adopt Lil Jade as my own but it is hard getting up that kind of money. I guess I am missing the fathering part of my own child. I know I am probably not making any sense.
Like I said before I had thought of adopting a child tonight but I look at current circumstances and notice that I would be in a losing battle cause I want to adopt internationally but I cant do that cause I am not 25 and then there is the whole I dont need the hassle of having Jade_Phoenix's wife spoiling the child that I adopt like she has done her own. If I am to adopt the child will have me and Jade_Phoenix as parents.
Jade_Phoenix brought up a good point that I never thought about and that is when the child grows up it is going to wonder why it has two daddies and no mommy and it would be hard for me to explain to the child that he/she is adopted. And that me and his/her other daddy are his/her parents. I dont think I would know how to explain that to the child. There are alot of people in same sex relationships that think it would be so easy to tell the child that they adopt about such matters but from a parental point of view it will be hard as all get out if my children came up to me later in life and asked me why I am with a man instead of a woman. i know that it would be hard for me to explain to them the reason why I am with a man instead of a woman.
I took a walk thru the hallway of our apartment building and thought about all the related stress and explaining of things and the fear of not fullfilling the role of Role Model and Being a father to the best of my ability. Cause I am a little scared I might turn out like my father (Long Story I will save it for a different log). I will just say that my father wasnt the nicest person in the whole world. And I really dont want to turn into him. But like I said all that mess with my father will wait til a different post.
It is that I walk thru children's clothes aisles and I catch myself looking for clothes for my children and then I realize that I cant see them and I cant be around them cause of my sexual preference. And there have been times when I sometimes walk away from Jade_Phoenix when we are in the childrens section and I start bawling like a baby cause I so want to be the best father in the world and have a child that calls me daddy. Before I found out that I had a restraining order on my I called my daughter and she said "Hi Daddy" And I broke down in tears but I made sure that noone could see me and i have yet to try and contact my children since I have been with Jade_Phoenix cause I know that I would get the phone slammed in my ear cause of the whole thing with the restraining order.
It hurts that I am not allowed the same priviledges like every other father. And it hurts that when I went to visit two of my children that I heard them say "Is that Daddy??" and their mother replied "No that is just one of mommies friends" But I guess I better get going for now...... I will write more later after I stop crying.
JadesHubby